After hitting their child, some parents can say “I’m sorry.” Others cannot. This difference is not simply a matter of personality. Behind it lies a decisive distinction: whether or not “inner conflict” exists within the parent.
Where “I’m Sorry” Is Born
A parent, exhausted from caregiving, strikes their child in a moment of frustration. In that instant, they are startled by their own hand. A wave of regret — “What have I done?” — washes over them. They hold their crying child and whisper, “I’m sorry.”
For this “I’m sorry” to emerge, several psychological processes must be at work. First, the ability to judge that hitting is wrong. Next, the capacity to imagine the child’s pain. And then, the ability for that imagination to produce guilt — a pain within oneself. This entire sequence is what we call “inner conflict.”
Inner conflict means being torn between one’s actual behavior and one’s values. “I didn’t want to hit, but I did” — this anguish becomes a brake that prevents the same mistake from happening again. It is precisely because this brake exists that “ordinary parents” do not cross the line into abuse.
The “I’m sorry” this article discusses is not merely words spoken aloud. Just as a child forced by an adult to apologize might say “I’m sorry” without any genuine understanding, some parents too can utter “sorry” as a hollow form. But if there is no inner conflict behind it, that does not count as the “apology” this article addresses. True apology means guilt is carved deep into one’s heart, gnawing at the soul. It is that suffering itself that becomes the brake preventing the same act from recurring.
One mother, caring for her young children alone, saw her older child shove the younger one and reflexively pushed the older child’s shoulder — hard. The child fell backward, landing on the floor, and looked up at her with wide, startled eyes.
The moment she saw that expression, something inside her collapsed. “What am I doing?” That night, long after the children had fallen asleep, she could not get those startled eyes out of her mind. The tears would not stop. Even years later, she said, “When I remember that face, my chest tightens.” A single moment — and this mother has carried it ever since. That is inner conflict.
Where “I’m Sorry” Never Emerges
On the other hand, there are parents who hit their children and never say “I’m sorry.” They strike their children as “discipline.” There is no sense of “I went too far.”
This is because the judgment that “hitting is wrong” is not functioning in the first place.
This failure of judgment is not always a matter of character. The ability to imagine a child’s pain, to examine one’s own actions objectively, and to generate inner conflict from that examination — all of these depend on cognitive functioning. For parents with mild intellectual disability or borderline intelligence, these cognitive functions are inherently weak. The pathway to “I’m sorry” simply does not form.
A support worker recalled a meeting at a child consultation center: “When I pointed out the bruises on the child’s arm, the mother said, ‘Well, the kid wouldn’t listen.’ Not ‘I hit them and feel terrible’ — but ‘I hit them, and it was justified.’ When I told her the child had been crying, she said, ‘That kid thinks crying will get them off the hook.’ There was no concern for the child’s pain — only anger that things hadn’t gone her way.”
In this mother, no inner conflict was anywhere to be found.
Can an Abusive Parent Ever Apologize?
After abuse comes to light, can a parent apologize to their child? Below are words actually spoken by parents who killed their children through abuse.
Parents with Borderline Intelligence
Parents with borderline intelligence may express a degree of remorse — “I did something terrible” or “I feel bad about what happened.” However, this is a reaction to finding themselves in a socially compromising position, not words born from empathy for their child’s pain. This is why statements like “I was struggling too — I’m also a victim” tend to accompany their remorse. One mother, having beaten her child to death, said: “I’m sure my child is in heaven, wishing for me to be happy.”
Parents with Mild Intellectual Disability
Parents with mild intellectual disability may express remorse more straightforwardly than those with borderline intelligence. However, even for the fatal act of taking their own child’s life, they do not reach the level of inexpressible regret and guilt that an “ordinary parent” would feel. Their reaction carries the emotional weight of something closer to a classroom pet having died.
Inner Conflict Is the Shield That Protects Children
The difference between a parent who can say “I’m sorry” and one who cannot is not about whether they are “good” or “bad” people. It is about whether or not they possess the capacity to generate inner conflict.
Inner conflict means being torn between one’s actions and one’s heart. It is painful. And precisely because it is painful, that suffering serves as a brake. As long as inner conflict exists, parents are stopped by the pain of “what I’ve done” and held back from repeating the same mistake.
Abuse happens where this inner conflict is absent. Parents without inner conflict call their hitting “discipline” and repeat it without guilt. In that cycle of repetition, the child’s mind and body are slowly destroyed.
For Survivors Who Received an Apology — Its Impact on Recovery, and Its Complexity
What does the experience of “receiving an apology” mean for recovery? Some people say the apology brought relief — “I felt lighter” or “I felt I could forgive.” Others say, “Even though I received an apology, it didn’t help at all” or “It actually deepened my confusion.” Both responses are valid.
What Apology Can and Cannot Do
An apology can aid recovery in the sense that “what happened to me was acknowledged.” The validation that “what you experienced was truly terrible” gradually rewrites the internalized message of “it was your fault” that the survivor has carried for years.
However, an apology does not erase the wound. Trauma symptoms may persist even after an apology is received. What matters is not adding self-criticism: “I was apologized to, so I shouldn’t be suffering anymore.”
Relief and Anger Can Arrive Simultaneously
The emotions that follow an apology are complex. Relief and anger can come at the same time. “Why only now?” may surge up. Or the words of apology may cause confusion — “I don’t know how I’m supposed to react.”
This does not mean there is something wrong with the survivor. It means that compared to years of accumulated wounds, the event of an apology arrived too suddenly.
For Some, Apology Removes the Lid
One counselor observes: “For some people, receiving an apology actually deepens the confusion. This happens because someone who has survived by telling themselves ‘it wasn’t that bad’ is suddenly confronted with the reality that ‘it truly was that terrible.'”
Survivors have maintained their daily lives by denying their wounds. An apology — an act of acknowledgment — disables that denial. This is why, after receiving an apology, anger and grief that were never felt before may come flooding out. “I was apologized to, yet I feel worse” is not a failure of recovery. It may be a sign that emotions long sealed away are finally beginning to move in safety.
For Those Who Have Never Received an Apology — Recovery Can Happen Without One
“Without an apology, recovery is impossible” — this is not true. Many abuse survivors walk the path of recovery without ever receiving an apology from their parents.
Becoming a Witness to Your Own Experience
What recovery requires is not the abuser’s apology, but confirmation that “what I experienced was real.” This can be achieved by becoming your own witness, by having someone you trust receive your story, or by putting it into words and placing it before your eyes. Even if the abuser never acknowledges it, the facts do not change.
The Power of Writing
Some survivors reach a point where they “could not stop themselves from writing.” Through writing, they realize for the first time how deeply they were wounded. Through writing, they confirm that their experience “was real.” Even without waiting for an apology, the path to becoming your own witness is open.
The Root of Abuse — The Background That Produced Parents Without Inner Conflict
Why are “parents who cannot apologize” born? What is the capacity to generate inner conflict? It is empathy, the ability to recognize emotions, and the basic understanding that “others have feelings different from my own.” These are not fixed at birth — they are shaped by what the parent themselves experienced in childhood.
One psychology expert points out: “At the root of all abuse lies psychological neglect.” Psychological neglect means the absence, within the parent, of the neural pathway that allows them to feel the child’s pain as their own. Regardless of whether physical violence is present or whether meals are provided, if this pathway is missing, the child never experiences the sense of “being understood.”
And a parent who lacks this pathway feels no inner conflict when they hurt their child. Without inner conflict, “I’m sorry” never emerges. The absence of apology and the absence of the empathy pathway are two sides of the same coin.
When a Parent Who Was Never Apologized to Is Born
Most “parents who cannot apologize” were themselves never apologized to. Without the experience of being apologized to, one cannot know in one’s bones what the act of apologizing means. At the root of abuse lies this intergenerational “absence of experience.”
Understanding Is Not Absolution
This is not meant to absolve the abuser. However, holding a deeper understanding of “why that parent was so terrible” — beyond simply “they were a bad person” — can help survivors step back from the cycle of blaming themselves. “It was not your fault.” That fact remains unchanged, regardless of whatever background the abuser may have had.
The capacity to apologize requires emotional maturity that some parents simply have not developed. The next article takes a close look at what that looks like.
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References
Herman, J. L. (1997). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence — From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Felitti, V. J. et al. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245-258.
About This Article
This article is published by Kokoro Note (こころノート), a Japanese-language website that provides in-depth information about child abuse, its psychological impact, and pathways to recovery. Our content draws on clinical research, the lived experiences of survivors, and insights from professionals working in child welfare. This English edition is offered to make these perspectives accessible to a wider audience.
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