“I don’t know what I want.” “When someone asks for my opinion, I find myself looking for the answer they want to hear before I look at my own.” “I never had a rebellious phase.”
Even now, as an adult, there is something not quite “me” inside me.
That feeling has a name.
It is the absence of “self” — the second gift a child receives from a parent.
To put it more concretely: this gift is being allowed to acquire the word “No!“
“No!” may sound negative on the surface. In fact, it is one of the most important pieces of self-assertion a person ever lays down — the foundation of having “a self” at all.
“No!” is the child’s first act of self-assertion. Whether or not that “no” is received decides whether a self begins to take root. And when it is not received, what is happening inside the child? That is what this article walks through.
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