Inside someone who grew up under abuse, countless commands of “must not” and “must” are deeply etched. Written into body and mind, in order to survive that environment, without anyone noticing it was happening.
What “Rules” Are, for a Survivor of Abuse
Asked what a rule is, most people would answer “something to keep.” At the same time, they understand “you can break them” and “there are exceptions.” Skip housework on a busy week. Cancel plans when you’re not feeling well. The rules of an ordinary person come with margin built in.
The rules inside a survivor have a completely different structure.
“Don’t show anger.” “Read your parent’s mood.” “Don’t be a burden.” These were not options. Following them was the only way to safely make it through that moment. They were etched into the body inside the tension of “if I break this, I do not know what will happen to me.”
Because of that, these rules don’t exist as “guidelines I consciously follow.” If an ordinary person’s rule is “a guideline outside the self,” a survivor’s rule is “a command inside the self.” The body moves before any decision. Or, even when the survivor sees what’s happening, they can’t stop it.
Default stance toward the rule — no exceptions, no rest
This rule has no exemption clause.
From a stretch where I was on crutches with a broken ankle. The workplace had lots of stairs and I moved slowly. Each time, I criticized myself: “I’m being a burden,” “I have to move faster.” No one around me was saying anything. It still didn’t feel like an exemption had been granted. The rule keeps running regardless of whether the body can keep up.
What Rules Show Up
① Don’t lean on people
Asking for help is forbidden, before any decision can be made. Even when the survivor knows logically “this is too much for me alone,” the body has been wired to treat reaching out as itself the danger.
② Don’t reveal what you actually feel
Showing real feeling, in the original environment, brought attack. The default became: present a face that won’t get hit; never let anyone see what’s underneath.
③ Never let your guard down
The body stays braced for the next blow. Even years after leaving, even in a safe room, even asleep — the bracing doesn’t fully turn off.
④ Do not let yourself feel happy
Happiness, at the original site, was sometimes followed by punishment — punished for “being too pleased with yourself,” punished for showing satisfaction. So the body learns: if anything good happens, suppress the response immediately.
⑤ Don’t speak about the home outside
“Don’t tell anyone what happens here.” Drilled in until it isn’t even a thought — just an automatic shut-down at the throat the moment a sentence about home tries to form.
⑥ You must always be grateful for being raised
Even when the parenting was abuse, “you must be grateful to be raised” gets installed. The smallest moment of “actually, that was wrong of them” gets followed instantly by guilt for thinking it.
When You Can’t Keep the Rule
Failing the rule produces severe self-blame.
Not the proportionate “oops” of someone who let a small task slide. A response calibrated to a much earlier consequence — a punishment that no longer arrives, but whose anticipation the body still runs.
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